HAMPTONS A-Z

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Relearn the alphabet... the Hamptons way.

Large black letter 'A' next to a red house sketch. Text below: "ADDITION (N): an increase in the size of a house that is at least triple the area of the existing structure."
Large black letter "B" beside a sketch of a surfer in yellow on a purple surfboard riding blue waves. Caption reads: "BOARD CERTIFIED SPECIALIST (N): a talented and experienced surfer." Minimalist design with playful surf theme.
Large black letter "C" next to blue wireless signal lines. Below, text reads "CELLIBATE (ADJ): without a cell signal." Minimalist design with playful illustration representing a humorous definition.
Large black letter "D" next to a hand-drawn pink bikini. Below, text reads "DECK CHANGE (N): the act of changing into or out of a bathing suit under a towel." Minimalist design with playful illustration representing a humorous definition.
Large black letter "E" next to a hand-drawn magnifying glass. Below, text reads "ESTATE (N): a property so large its primary structure is not visible from any public road or neighboring property." Minimalist design with playful illustration represent
Large black letter "F" next to a hand-drawn white SUV. Below, text reads "FUV (FUCK YOU VEHICLE): any extraordinarily large, exotic and expensive SUV." Minimalist design with playful illustration representing a humorous definition.
Large black letter "G" next to a hand-drawn organizational chart with five colored figures. Below, text reads "GROUPER (N): a tenant in an illegal group rental." Minimalist design with playful illustration representing a humorous definition.
Large black letter "H" next to a hand-drawn cocktail with a lime and straw. Below, text reads "HOLIDAZE (N): the hangover after a party weekend." Minimalist design with playful illustration representing a humorous definition.
Large black letter "I" next to a hand-drawn cycle of arrows connecting different colored shapes. Below, text reads "INCESTUOUS AMPLIFICATION (N): the reinforcement of a set of beliefs among like-minded people leading to errors in judgment." Minimalis
Large black letter "J" next to a yellow rocking horse drawing. Below, text reads "JUNIOR MINT (N): an overloaded young person." Minimalist design with playful illustration representing a humorous definition.
Large black letter "K" next to a hand-drawn key and lock. Below, text reads "KEYFOB (N): a device for people who can’t afford a caretaker." Minimalist art with a humorous definition in bold typeface.
Large black letter "L" next to a hand-drawn train. Below, text reads "LIE (OXYMORONIC ACRONYM): Long Island Expressway. Also see - 'Long Island Distressway'." Minimalist design with humorous definition of the acronym.
Large black letter "M" next to pink lips drawing. Below, text reads "MILLION DOLLAR SMILE (N): the expression on a real estate broker’s face at a Hamptons closing." Minimalist design with playful illustration representing a humorous definition.
Large black letter "N" next to a hand-drawn microphone with sound lines. Below, text reads "NAME-DROPPER (N): one who mentions celebrities / wealthy names in a casual yet calculated way, often using first names or nicknames specifically to imply pers
Large black letter "O" next to illustrations of a pink speech bubble and a blue calculator. Below, text reads "OBTAINIOUS (ADJ): pennywise and pound-foolish. i.e. - negotiating the price of a service so aggressively that one is assured of a cut-rate
Large black letter "P" next to a hand-drawn stack of potatoes with a yellow crown. Below, text reads "POTATO PRINCE (N): the son of an East End farmer who will one day inherit a fortune worth more than the GNP of a small European country." Minimalist
Large black letter "Q" next to a hand-drawn map with a red location marker. Below, text reads "QUOGUE (N): not QUITE the Hamptons." Minimalist design with playful illustration representing a humorous definition.
Large black letter "R" next to hand-drawn ascending bar chart with dollar signs. Below, text reads "RELATIVE DEPRIVATION (N): a competitive version of 'can you top this' when one attempts to impress others with the cost of something, especially in a
Large black letter "S" next to a hand-drawn green leaf. Below, text reads "SODOMIST (N): a person who is obsessed with the quality of their lawn at the expense of all other life on the planet." Minimalist design with playful illustration representing
Large black letter "T" next to a hand-drawn shopping cart and dollar sign in a speech bubble. Below, text reads "TAG-TELLER (N): one who announces the cost of a purchased product or service, either to impress others with the total expenditure or to c
Large black letter "U" next to a hand-drawn envelope with a heart seal. Below, text reads "UNINVITATION (N): an empty invitation, one that is not meant to be accepted, e.g. - an invitation delivered at the last minute or after determining that one is
Large black letter "V" next to a hand-drawn pair of red-handled scissors. Below, text reads "VASECTOMY (N): 1- the intent or effect of a divorce 2- Loss of one's money or assets due to external forces, even when such forces have been set into motion
Large black letter "W" next to a faint outline of a white dress shirt. Below, text reads "WHITE PARTY (N): 1 - an annual Hamptons party with an all-white dress code 2 - the Republican Party." Minimalist design with playful illustration representing a
Bold black "X" beside a hand-drawn purple theater mask. Caption underneath says "X-POSER (N): a person who used to be on the inside through luck, cunning, or accident - whom now divulges secrets and anecdotes (often fabricated) of the uber elite." Si
Large black letter "Y" next to a hand-drawn boat with a red flag. Below, text reads "YWI (ACRONYM): Yachting while intoxicated - a behavior often characterized by attempted to navigate a large motor cruiser from the map printed on a restaurant placem
Large black letter "Z" next to a hand-drawn spotlight shining on a small figure. Below, text reads "ZOOM EFFECT (N): the belief that others are paying closer attention to one’s appearance and behavior than they really are or possibly could." Minimali

This piece isn't just a primer for the privileged; it's an artful nudge and a wink, a paint-splashed satire that spells out the quirks and quibbles of high society. In this linguistic luxury every letter is a story, and every story is served with a side of caviar and a splash of sparkling wit.

ABOUT

“A-Z of the Hamptons” unravels the quirks and indulgences by using mini canvas tile assemblages saturated with short phrases and drawings to define this playground of the elite – taking a satirical spin on the extravagant and sometimes absurd culture of the East End. Its cultural idiosyncrasies are magnified and placed under a comical microscope which Simmons has illustrated a world poised between two poles of earnestness and irony.

DIMENSIONS: 10(h) x 12(w)
MEDIUM: Mixed Media
YEAR: 2023

Human foibles are the source of the most profound humor. The musings we apply to words is a reflection of our system of values, which is itself the result of our daily experience, whether social or occupational.